DECEMBER 25 // TIRED

i'm sick of this feeling i'm constantly so close with. i'm sick of these feelings i keep in touch with so often. it's driving me insane and i don't want to have to take it anymore.

i wish there was someone i could talk to, but i feel like if i keep it to myself..things would maybe turn out better. i don't want to take someone's happiness away because i decided to let my world's fears and troubles collapse onto them. i don't want to be the reason why someone is now feeling nervous, now feeling pain, now feeling worriedness, now feeling some new emotion because of me.

i hate complaining about the world i live in. i hate complaining about the life i live. i hate it because i'm constantly reminded that i'm just another teenager that's experiencing these problems. i don't want to be a teenager and i hate to be one. we're such self centered people that are never satisfied, the world hates teenagers. as much as we deny it, it's true. we're annoying and really need to start controlling our hormones. no matter how much you deny it, you can't change your age. and with your age comes certain things you just can't control. no matter how much you wish you could.

i'm tired of feeling jealous of what people have, or what people get. people in a relationship drive me insane. there is no way there is love existing in this world full of hate. i don't care how much you declare you love someone, lets face it..you love yourself more. i contradict myself so much, im starting to doubt who i am as a person. what my morals are, what my opinions are, what my views on certain things are, what i think is right and what is wrong. i don't know what to think. i don't know who i am.

today was christmas. oops, i nearly forgot. everyone gets so sucked into the material things, we all forget what christmas is really about. i admit, i focused so much on presents and gifts. there were so many things i wanted. but screw all that, have we all forgotten what christmas really means? think past the trees, the family, the presents, the gifts, the colors, the lights, everything. why does it slip our minds so often? i wish i could make myself a better person.

i hate the feeling of being alone. and what sucks is, who i apparently am..it makes me a person that is always alone. never really part of something, never really making a difference anywhere, someone that everyone else could live without no matter what they say. i'm needed no where, really. everyone else has their other half, as they like to say. a whole family that is built on a strong foundation. friends that are true, ones who they could have fun with. a boyfriend or girlfriend that they supposedly love. where do i fall in a world like this? i want to say somewhere, but i feel like it's nowhere.

i want to know who i am. i want to know my purpose. i want to know why tina huang is on the face of this earth. i want a reason to do something.

im sick of you and your stupid little complaints. your life can be so perfect, you just wont stop focusing on the bad stuff and it's driving me insane. i want to tell you that you have a good boyfriend, you're happy with him. you keep taking advantage of that and i want you to notice that he's real. that you're real. i want you to see that you have a family that actually has bonds. you say its falling apart, because you're making it fall apart. you may not think so, but its what teenagers do. destroy things. you're life is perfect in so many ways, i hate to say i'm jealous.

i hate this.